hi!I'm Zhao Ziwen. I was a happy boy.BecauseI had a happy family.but,I'm very very sad now.Why?Because my dad isn't health. he drinks alcohol every day.he is angry every day.My mom is sad,too.So I grow up can't drink alcohol,I can't! I'm only 13 old,but I'm clever.I have a noble dream! I want go America!I want to go to havord!I'm confident!HaHa!My birthday is in July. I love building blocks.My favorite food is hamburger! I want have a look the world.The very very large world!
修改后：
Hi! I'm Zhao Ziwen.My birthday is in July. I love building blocks. My favorite food is hamburgers!
I was a happy boybecause I had a happy family.But I'm very very sad now.Why?Because my dad isn't healthy.He drinks alcohol every day.He is angry every day.My mom is sad,too. I won't drink alcohol when I grow up. I won't!
I'm only 13 years old, but I'm clever. I have a noble dream! I want to go to America!I want to go to Harvard! I'm confident! HaHa!
I want have a look the world. The very very large world!
修改教师 ：Andy老师
六年级:赵子文
开篇铺垫简洁有力，中段稳步推进，借助富有情趣的拟人修辞赋予事物灵气持续深化主旨，文字淡雅余味悠长，不堆砌华丽词汇，清淡之中自有力量。开头快速引入主题，主体不断拓展内容，结尾适时升华。文章结构稳固，层层递进，谋篇十分成熟。
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