hi!I'm Zhao Ziwen. I was a happy boy.BecauseI had a happy family.but,I'm very very sad now.Why?Because my dad isn't health. he drinks alcohol every day.he is angry every day.My mom is sad,too.So I grow up can't drink alcohol,I can't! I'm only 13 old,but I'm clever.I have a noble dream! I want go America!I want to go to havord!I'm confident!HaHa!My birthday is in July. I love building blocks.My favorite food is hamburger! I want have a look the world.The very very large world!
修改后：
Hi! I'm Zhao Ziwen.My birthday is in July. I love building blocks. My favorite food is hamburgers!
I was a happy boybecause I had a happy family.But I'm very very sad now.Why?Because my dad isn't healthy.He drinks alcohol every day.He is angry every day.My mom is sad,too. I won't drink alcohol when I grow up. I won't!
I'm only 13 years old, but I'm clever. I have a noble dream! I want to go to America!I want to go to Harvard! I'm confident! HaHa!
I want have a look the world. The very very large world!
修改教师 ：Andy老师
六年级:赵子文
娓娓道来所见所感，运用传神到位的神态描写传递情绪变化强化表达效果，行文开阔大气舒展，格局从容，不受狭小视角束缚，叙事完整无残缺。叙述连贯顺畅，场景搭建完整，故事脉络清晰。作者善于还原场景细节，文字画面感充足，阅读代入感很强。
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